Well, it’s been almost four months since I’ve posted anything on here. My last post was a bit of a dangling downer, so I figured I’d write a personal update before delving back into theory and politics. I think I’ve successfully burned off most of the old painful bullshit I was dealing with and am excited for some new beginnings.
The initial cause of my blogging break was a vacation in Japan. I’ve never traveled alone, and doing so has been on my agenda since 2012, when I read No More Mr. Nice Guy, an eye-opening if overblown repackaging of codependency recovery applied to “males.” While the book is unfortunately sullied by anti-feminism and re-shaming into “masculinity,” it was extremely useful in helping me acknowledge and release the unconscious shame I was holding onto because of rigid gender schemas.
Anyway, Japan was awesome. Wandering around without any expectations or assurances and entering places without any idea whether I was welcome or what was inside has helped immensely with my confidence and social anxiety. I hitch-biked all over central and western Honshu staying in capsule hotels and ryokan, tent-camping in city parks, savoring delicious mysteries, crashing cherry blossom viewing parties, hiking the Nakasendō, relaxing in elaborate onsen, mourning at Hiroshima, watching Kabuki, playing Go, and dropping my jaw at magestic temples, gardens, and shrines. Toward the end of my trip I was wearing my leopard-print ombré jeggings and purse at Shibuya crossing and this person stopped me and said ne was an assistant photographer for a “street fashion” zine and ne wanted me to be nir “mo-day-ru.” Unfortunately my flight back left the next day.
When I got back I immediately decided to cut my hair. Before the trip, I started Propecia, the DHT-blocking hair loss drug I discussed in a previous series of posts. I was only taking it for prevention “in case I’m transsexual and decide in the future to ‘become a woman'” whatever that means, but I only took it for like three days before realizing that was a dumb rationale since I’m rather confident I’m never going to do that. My hair was falling out at an alarming rate and I was tired of looking like Ernie McCracken from the movie Kingpin. Several people in Japan called me Jesus, which is better, but still not quite the look I was going for. So I shaved it all off. I’m pretty satisfied with the super-short look and now I don’t have to spend an hour a day taming it.
Then I set my sights on genderfucking in the last frontiers of my social and professional life. I put together this fantastically “feminine” but tasteful outfit with a black skirt, black tights, and a white-on-black conservatively cut polka-dot blouse and rocked it at a professional business conference. I thought this would be career suicide, but I actually got some new contracts at the conference that were perfect for the direction I want to take my business! I also busted the same look out at my fifteen year high school reunion at the posh prep academy I attended in the foothills of the San Fernando Valley.
Then I fired up my OkCupid profile and started dating again. For some reason, half of the matches who want to date me work in the sex or porn industry, which I found surprising, but I suppose that’s not a deal-breaker.
Yesterday was “Founder’s Day” at my intentional community and there was a big party with a progressive dinner that meandered through a few of the units. I volunteered to be one of the hosts. I finally got my place set up with the condo-size version of the sofa I had agonized over previously. People couldn’t stop complimenting me enough on it, actually. It makes me wonder a bit whether one of the residents to whom I showed my blog months ago went around telling people to admire it. But I think I’m done with all that delusional nonsense. Doggone it, people like me! *facepalm*